So you know how your parents used to tell you that a hard head makes a soft ass? Well, for me that is still sort of a mantra because I constantly get distracted and swerve into a lane God didn’t put me in. This past week, as I was further procrastinating about getting back to the blogging, I had some conversations that sparked some much needed “Ah-hah” moments. Basically God’s way of letting me know I had swerved out of my lane.
One conversation was with fellow blogger, Jamie Hopkins of Matters of my Heart, who reminded me that I had a gift and I wasn’t using it to the fullest. I argued that I didn’t have a product yet so I didn’t think that my blog posts were relevant enough to warrant any marketing. She countered with the fact that my blog is my product until I have something else and people that I don’t know are waiting for me to show up with a unique perspective on questions they’ve been seeking answers for.
It’s so crazy how I can almost instantly go from having a plan on how to encourage people with my words to not thinking what I have is good enough. Ironically, it took the blessing of becoming a homeowner for me to forget that God is in control and He told me to write. Once I got the call from my realtor back in July saying that our offer was accepted, I automatically jumped into hustle mode. All the while rationalizing that I need more income to maintain this blessing, and came up with a few ways to make money. They all seemed legit, to me anyway, although they are things that were never in my sphere of thinking, like teaching or personal shopping. I still surmised that this was the path I was supposed to take, because these humble opportunities were presented to me.
I fell into the trap like so many others of thinking that the first thing that shows up after I prayed for something is that miracle I waited for. My experience has always been that the first thing that shows up, is a distraction. Although my gut and that still small voice kept telling me, “Nope, I told you to write”, I busied myself preparing for what turned out to be fruitless endeavors. I’m so hard-headed. See, I was scared shitless of my promotion and thought that I had to do something extra to keep it because I didn’t feel deserving. I convinced myself that I needed to do something other than what I have always done which is, ask, thank Him for it, prepare for it as best as I can and wait for it to manifest. These damn feelings are an unreliable mess!
I guess God had to be extra to show me I was wrong. He shut down every job opportunity I thought I had landed. The way I knew it was God was because of the randomness and improbabilities of the shutdowns! Things such as failing IT connectivity tests with brand new equipment and companies disappearing from my area although online they exist. Every single opportunity dried up except for getting back to this writing. I was so busy trying to figure out how the money was going to come instead of actually doing the task which I was assigned, simply writing to encourage others. One of my excuses is that I always feel like the writing is not good enough, I agonize over phrases and topic choices and many times i talk myself out of writing what is on my heart completely. So, as I was praying and thanking God for the gift of writing, I was saying “I know it’s not me Lord but your words flowing through me…and then I distinctly heard, “If you know it’s Me and not you, why are you afraid?” Whaaat?! I had to stop and write this down. If my inspiration is from God and I trust God’s promptings, why do I agonize over the right words? Blew my mind. Which takes me back to the original point of this whole post, getting my ego out of the way and simply let Spirit lead. So, I’m back with a renewed sense of purpose and new level of freedom to create. I’m grateful my hard-headedness doesn’t last forever and at least you get a story out of it.
Until next time, Be Blessed.
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