So, it’s Valentine’s Day and I have been “meaning to” and “about to” start back up Wani’s World for at least a month now. I turned 50 in December of 2016 and for me that was always some kind of magical deadline when my life would miraculously somehow fall into place. I mean, I had put in half a century of work right? But, I quickly found out that even at 50, the struggle is still real. I know we all have struggles but I feel like my particular struggles might resonate with someone so I guess that is why I have been prompted to share. My struggles in a nutshell are: Fear, Forgetting my Why and the rollercoaster of waning and gaining self-confidence.
I woke up this morning feeling grateful but a bit ashamed at the pound of ground beef I ate last night, trying to assuage my feelings of guilt for not writing and being productive yesterday. However, I decided to shake it off and make this a great day. I prayed, decided to show love to myself and others because after all, it is Valentine’s Day. All the while, my mind was wrestling with what profound message I wanted to share to explain my lack of presence in the blog world. I wanted to come up with some grand explanation and how my absence has been filled with intense periods of introspective writing and productivity. But, as we all know, real life shit is what really happened during my absence. The death of family, friends, my seemingly declining health causing me to stare my mortality in the face, taxes, bills and just dealing with regular life stuff is what really happened. So, just before I talked myself out of writing anything at all, I was returning from Starbucks and getting on the elevator in my building and this little boy, who looked about 10 years old got on the elevator with me. He was a cute little boy, unaccompanied by any parent and he simply turned to me and said, Happy Valentine’s Day. For some reason, that simple gesture just warmed my soul and I felt at that moment God sent me a cheerleader to prompt me to just keep going. I know it seems simple to most, but sometimes the simplicity of a kind word goes such a long way in dispelling fear and depression. I mean, when I got home, I immediately went into worship mode and thanked God profusely for the myriad of blessings that are sent my way daily. You see, God has been impressing upon me the need to write, not for myself but to help others, for at least a year now. Yet, for various reasons, that is the one thing that I have not done. However, despite my disobedience, He continues to send me cheerleaders to let me know that my mission cannot be aborted. I keep trying to talk myself out of it, and He keeps sending me cheerleaders, in many forms. A perfect example of this came a couple of Sundays ago in the form of a text from my sister-in-law.
First of all, my sister-in-law and I never text each other and we have not connected in almost a year. Not because of any animosity, it’s just that we don’t hang like that. She is actually my sister’s sister-in-law so, we are not that close. Anyway, I have always respected her as a true woman of God and I am sure she doesn’t even know this but, I have some Bible study notes that I took during her class in 1998 that I still refer to from time to time. In other words, I know that when she speaks, the anointing is present. Anyway, I woke up that Sunday with a confused heart, still grappling with my purpose in life, and out of the blue she sent me a text that read. “This is not the time to become distracted. Stretch your goals. Be the best you can be. Watch God move.” So I replied, trying to make light of it, “Did you wake up knowing that I needed this? LOL” Complete with the grinning face emoji. “I receive it, Thanks.” She came right back with “Push. God says you are paralyzed in fear. Rise above it. You are greater than you think.” Dead ass serious. So I knew this was directly from the Source. All I could say was, “Got it.” I was stunned. I hadn’t revealed to anyone the depth of my fear based paralysis. I thought my hamster wheel thoughts were only privy to me and perhaps my partner, simply because she lives with me. Only my Creator could have known that this paralysis was keeping me stuck.
What is so crazy to me, is how I continue to have faith for others but neglect doing the same for myself. I have been affirming for the past 7 years that: I am an encourager. I am an edifier. I am an exhorter. I am a prayer warrior. Yet for some reason, I act like these things are not my life’s purpose. I have also been told many times, that I am a healer and a leader but since I don’t feel like I am leading anyone and I definitely have not healed myself yet, I have shied away from taking on these titles. I even spent the time and money to become a Reiki Master, but because of that ever present rollercoaster of self-doubt, I haven’t acted upon that either. I even started, reluctantly, looking for a job, although I know that writing is my new career. However, I swear, each time I have started looking for a conventional job my health takes a downturn. It’s almost as if God puts me in a physical position where all I can do is write. I guess the real issue for me has to do with something I thought that I had conquered. I thought I had conquered tying my self-worth to my earning ability. Truth be told, my faith has not reached the point where I can see myself earning a livable wage writing. Which again sends me on that rollercoaster…you get the gist.
To wrap this all up, I am happy to say that despite all of my pitiful excuses, brushes with death, disobedience and plain old laziness, God still uses me and encourages me daily. The last few cheerleaders, along with various conversations I have had with folks in the past month have helped me rediscover my Why. I may not have any profundity to spew, and I surely have not accomplished a quarter of what I wanted to. However, I know that regular old me and my life experiences are just enough for someone to gain encouragement from. For this reason, I jumped up to write this on Valentine’s Day to show someone that loving yourself just where you are, flaws and all is what this day should be about. So, welcome back to Wani’s World and for any newbies, thank you for visiting. As always, I wish you all Peace, Blessings and Prosperity! Happy Love Day!