So, as promised, I’m keeping this journey completely transparent with you all. Yesterday, Day 2, let’s just call it Food Fuckup Friday, started off on the wrong foot. I went up into the Amish Market on an empty stomach. Mistake number one. I grabbed a bacon, egg and cheese pretzel to sustain the nausea quickly forming in my gut. I did well, only eating half of it. I walked around picking up all my healthy groceries, like fresh fruit and veggies, but then…I walked past the pastry department on the way out. Welp, you already know, 3 danishes and a pack of Buttered Rum Muffins later the tone was set for the day. After that, I said WTH and ended my morning with a Starbucks Butterscotch Latte. Sooo, I decided to go home and be productive by burning some calories up doing housework. I knew it wouldn’t erase the calories, but shit, it still counts. In my cleaning frenzy, I decided to Scotchguard and Febreze the upholstered furniture, which totally funked up the air with toxic fumes, so I needed to get out of the apartment. Well, it was lunchtime and my brain thought, “Hey let’s go get some more Jamaican food!” I rationalized that I would just keep it simple with a chicken patty, but what had happened this time was…umm I saw that bread pudding with the rum sauce and it was on. That common sense switch clicked off and the Greedy chick took over my brain. I was up in that joint ordering shit like I was a paid food critic at the Washington Post! SMDH
So after that fiasco, and my lack of working out yesterday, I really was starting to feel ashamed of posting the truth about my lack of discipline. I jumped up this morning ready to rectify the bullshit by eating a healthy breakfast and heading immediately afterwards to the gym. On my way to workout, I put in my Accelerate CD by Joel Osteen and got in a little Word and inspiration during the short drive. Now, I am still not used to this being overcome by the Holy Spirit in crazy places, like my car while driving. I already stopped playing certain songs on the treadmill because I damn near bust my ass when I am overcome with emotion over my blessings and how far I’ve come in this spiritual journey. However, God got me again. LOL
Joel was talking about how God wants us to love and fully accept ourselves with ALL our flaws and not to be ashamed of failures. God is interested in our hearts and our willingness to honor and please Him by doing right. God is more concerned with our pure hearts than our perfect performance. When Jesus chose the disciples, He chose people who on the surface were not qualified for such coveted positions. These weren’t the most disciplined people, like the Pharisees who performed every letter of the law religiously. The disciples were men from dysfunctional backgrounds who had a simple desire to honor God with their lives by being willing to follow and learn from Jesus. Joel was giving a good word and I was definitely receiving it but when he said, “ You wouldn’t be listening if you didn’t have a heart turned toward God. God handpicked you not because of your great behavior or character but because you have a heart that wants to do right.” I started to tear up because; I stay trying to attempt perfection and beating myself up after failing. Joel continued with, “ You have to learn to accept yourself while you’re in the process of changing. It doesn’t do any good to go around beating yourself up because of flaws and weaknesses. There will always be something to improve or some reason to feel wrong about who we are.” This last line though, was most definitely for me, “Why don’t you stop beating yourself up because you don’t perform perfectly and start accepting yourself because you have a right heart?” Whoa. I had to hold it together from bawling in the gym parking lot then because that line spoke right to my insecurities. He basically kept reiterating the need to enjoy the phase of the process we are in right now because it all works together for our good. Another mini-epiphany for me was when he said that I need to trust God with EVERYTHING, not just my goals and dreams but my flaws, addictions and weaknesses. I received that I am not a finished product, God is the Potter and I am on His timetable. There is no choice for me but to accept myself, trifling eating habits and all.
So, since I have learned how to work with my own crazy thought process, I have decided to focus on increasing my time in the gym and not my food challenges. I know abs are made in the kitchen, but the reality is I am doing the best I can right now. Managing eating on time for my diabetes, taking the time to actually prepare the healthy meals, dealing with nausea and having convenient substantial meals while I am out running errands…it’s just a whole lot. I notice that being in the gym around like-minded folks motivates me and makes me more conscious of my food decisions. For real, like I said before, at least I’m doing more than I was. I will be working out tomorrow with my trainer @GrowOrDieAth, Brandon and if he reads this I will definitely get cussed out. I guess that’s part of my process. LOL
#The Struggle is Real Until the next update, be Blessed!