Diabetic Gourmet Journey Day 3

 

So, as promised, I’m keeping this journey completely transparent with you all. Yesterday, Day 2, let’s just call it Food Fuckup Friday, started off on the wrong foot. I went up into the Amish Market on an empty stomach. Mistake number one. I grabbed a bacon, egg and cheese pretzel to sustain the nausea quickly forming in my gut. I did well, only eating half of it. I walked around picking up all my healthy groceries, like fresh fruit and veggies, but then…I walked past the pastry department on the way out. Welp, you already know, 3 danishes and a pack of Buttered Rum Muffins later the tone was set for the day. After that, I said WTH and ended my morning with a Starbucks Butterscotch Latte. Sooo, I decided to go home and be productive by burning some calories up doing housework. I knew it wouldn’t erase the calories, but shit, it still counts. In my cleaning frenzy, I decided to Scotchguard and Febreze the upholstered furniture, which totally funked up the air with toxic fumes, so I needed to get out of the apartment. Well, it was lunchtime and my brain thought, “Hey let’s go get some more Jamaican food!” I rationalized that I would just keep it simple with a chicken patty, but what had happened this time was…umm I saw that bread pudding with the rum sauce and it was on. That common sense switch clicked off and the Greedy chick took over my brain. I was up in that joint ordering shit like I was a paid food critic at the Washington Post! SMDH

So after that fiasco, and my lack of working out yesterday, I really was starting to feel ashamed of posting the truth about my lack of discipline. I jumped up this morning ready to rectify the bullshit by eating a healthy breakfast and heading immediately afterwards to the gym. On my way to workout, I put in my Accelerate CD by Joel Osteen and got in a little Word and inspiration during the short drive. Now, I am still not used to this being overcome by the Holy Spirit in crazy places, like my car while driving. I already stopped playing certain songs on the treadmill because I damn near bust my ass when I am overcome with emotion over my blessings and how far I’ve come in this spiritual journey. However, God got me again. LOL

 

Joel was talking about how God wants us to love and fully accept ourselves with ALL our flaws and not to be ashamed of failures. God is interested in our hearts and our willingness to honor and please Him by doing right. God is more concerned with our pure hearts than our perfect performance. When Jesus chose the disciples, He chose people who on the surface were not qualified for such coveted positions. These weren’t the most disciplined people, like the Pharisees who performed every letter of the law religiously. The disciples were men from dysfunctional backgrounds who had a simple desire to honor God with their lives by being willing to follow and learn from Jesus. Joel was giving a good word and I was definitely receiving it but when he said, “ You wouldn’t be listening if you didn’t have a heart turned toward God. God handpicked you not because of your great behavior or character but because you have a heart that wants to do right.” I started to tear up because; I stay trying to attempt perfection and beating myself up after failing. Joel continued with, “ You have to learn to accept yourself while you’re in the process of changing. It doesn’t do any good to go around beating yourself up because of flaws and weaknesses. There will always be something to improve or some reason to feel wrong about who we are.” This last line though, was most definitely for me, “Why don’t you stop beating yourself up because you don’t perform perfectly and start accepting yourself because you have a right heart?” Whoa. I had to hold it together from bawling in the gym parking lot then because that line spoke right to my insecurities. He basically kept reiterating the need to enjoy the phase of the process we are in right now because it all works together for our good. Another mini-epiphany for me was when he said that I need to trust God with EVERYTHING, not just my goals and dreams but my flaws, addictions and weaknesses. I received that I am not a finished product, God is the Potter and I am on His timetable. There is no choice for me but to accept myself, trifling eating habits and all.

 

So, since I have learned how to work with my own crazy thought process, I have decided to focus on increasing my time in the gym and not my food challenges. I know abs are made in the kitchen, but the reality is I am doing the best I can right now. Managing eating on time for my diabetes, taking the time to actually prepare the healthy meals, dealing with nausea and having convenient substantial meals while I am out running errands…it’s just a whole lot. I notice that being in the gym around like-minded folks motivates me and makes me more conscious of my food decisions. For real, like I said before, at least I’m doing more than I was. I will be working out tomorrow with my trainer @GrowOrDieAth, Brandon and if he reads this I will definitely get cussed out. I guess that’s part of my process. LOL

#The Struggle is Real Until the next update, be Blessed!

 

 

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Time to Stop the Shenanigans #FoodBinge #BackToBeastMode

 

March, as I found out from the Internet and my Podiatrist’s assistant, is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month. So, when I went to the doctor yesterday, Shernae, Dr. Mike’s assistant, made sure to remind me about that little screening kit that I’ve been sent home 3 times with since last year.   I’m all joking like, “I look at that damn kit every time I go to bathroom and I can’t get past the fact that I’m mailing a piece of my shit to you! I figured with all this other shit I have going on God ain’t gonna hit me with the cancer too.” So Shernae, got me good with this one, “God definitely got you, but the devil is busy”. I was so blown and then fully on board with following the directions on the package and mailing my shit in. LOL She made a really great point by reminding me that knowledge is the key to prevention and treatment.   Shernae went on to tell me her story about how a woman she had triaged a year earlier came back to thank her for being so persistent that she get a mammogram. Apparently, the woman had breast cancer and due to Shernae’s insistence, the cancer was caught just in time. Now, I had no idea that I would get a nudging from my triage nurse to get back to actively working on my health. I guess that was God telling me to stop the shenanigans, in all areas.

Which brings me to the food thing. My intent was, I find myself saying that a lot, to start a series of videos and posts documenting my return to healthy eating and exercise, but what had happened was…. First there was Snowmageddon, then there was Superbowl, then there was the weekend, the rain pain and whatever else came up. I swear I was on a chicken wing, cheese pastry binge for about a month! I can’t open my fridge or look at my kitchen counter without seeing the remnants of my madness. Krispy Kreme box, Tortilla chips, Leftover fried rice, and way too many takeout containers when I know damn well how to cook.

So, this morning, I jumped up all motivated and decided to get back on my grind. I reposted my affirmation on my fridge, “I Love to Take the Time to Prepare Healthy Meals For Myself”. I have to remind myself that I am worth putting in the effort it takes to make food from scratch, because it is what’s best for my body. My other trick is to ensure I make a menu for the week. For some reason I have anxiety issues if I see my fridge looking bare. If I have a variety of cooked food ready to just heat and eat, I will be less likely to eat out. Less likely, but you know, I still might have to dip out for some doubles or a taco. LOL Prime example, today after I made all that damn food, I went and worked out without bringing a snack for afterwards. So…err ahh, I had to get a fish taco from Baja Fresh. I’m a work in progress people. Real talk.   Anyway, my purpose for posting this journey online is because I need accountability.  In order for me to succeed, I need to stop with the intent and get with the actually doing. I appreciated all the support and motivation when I began my journey last year, so I decided to employ the social media route again. Since I have decided to be completely transparent, I am going to post both the successes and the failures. I know I’m not the only one who hates to see those folks on Facebook that only post all their salads and quinoa but neglect to post the Frappucinos, Chicken pot pies and Cheesecakes they eat that explain why when you see them again they’re bigger than when they started out. I already know that I’m not the one that is going to throw out the pasta I have at home. For some reason my thrifty side kicks in when I think about throwing out perfectly good food.  I figure with all my previous food faux pas, the fact that I am adding more fiber and veggies to my diet has got to count for something. I will post the recipes that I used for those of you that are interested. So, with all of that being said, I guess I will act like I need to get 8 hours of sleep and get in an early workout session in the morning. Oh yeah, although it was as gross as I thought, I did mail out my colorectal cancer screening sample today. Thanks again Shernae for reminding me how easy it is to do my part in preventing further illness. Now if I could just learn to follow doctors orders for my medications…but that’s a whole other issue. Until next time, be Blessed!

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Blessings on Blessings on Blessings!

Faith MLK

 

So, in order to fully explain this latest God story of mine, I need to provide a bit of the backstory. My mother and biological father are both Trinidadian, but I did not meet my father until I was an adult, and therefore did not know his side of the family. My early years were spent in Trinidad, being raised by my Granny, whom I adored but my mother unfortunately did not. Since my mother’s emotional ties to Trinidad were less than pleasant, the family ties to my cousins and other extended family were allowed to dissipate over the years. I have always considered myself the reconciler or the historian in my family. Although I have made an effort to communicate with my extended family via phone and social media, it’s not the same as having face-to-face interaction. I have always wanted to have a family reunion for both my mother and father’s sides of the family. As I grow older, I am more interested in my ancestors and their legacies and how I can add to that legacy by both contributing my own gifts and telling the stories of their lives.   I feel a responsibility to bridge the communication gap between my Trinidad family and the new generations here in America. My siblings, nieces and nephews have not experienced the beauty of their culture firsthand and I want them to be inspired by their rich cultural heritage.   I know that during my most difficult days, I was inspired by the stories of my ancestor’s business success and how they overcame difficulties. I am sure the next generation could use the same inspiration.

I had the pleasure of connecting with my father’s side of the family over the past 7 years, but I haven’t yet met the ones living in Trini. I used to visit Trinidad for my birthday every couple of years but unfortunately, I have looked up now and it’s been about 16 years since I last visited! Damn time flies. Anyway, I have been praying earnestly for God to hook up some way for me to visit Trinidad this year. I feel it calling me for real. In the natural, I could not fathom how this would happen, because of finances and my unfamiliarity with reputable, affordable places to stay. I used to stay with family and friends but circumstances have changed in the past 2 decades, so that is not possible now. The issue for me was not so much the price of the plane ticket but having somewhere reputable to stay. My own family that frequents the island told me to be careful. Basically, I didn’t know where to start and I just left all the details up to God, I just kept claiming I’m going to Trini in 2016.

Fast forward to last week, when I got a FB message from my friend (shout out to Shannon!) about a Female Writers Retreat in Trinidad July 26th-Aug 2nd. I usually never click on those videos or messages I get through FB right away, but this time I opened it immediately at the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I read all the details over and over and over again thinking this can’t be real. I felt like the details were tailored for me. The application was straightforward; I have a valid passport and I am working on an actual book that takes place in Trinidad. The best part is that the retreat is right in Port of Spain where my family lives so I know we can link up. Yo! I hurried up and sent in all my info. I didn’t do my usual procrastination thing because I just felt like this was the beginning of something major. I know the organizer probably felt like I was a stalker. I called her a couple of times and was checking my email like I was getting a tax refund.   Anyway, at the twelfth hour on the deadline for the deposit to be in, I basically banished all the negative thoughts in my head and had a Personal Praise Party in my bathroom. Last night as I was watching the Grammys, I received confirmation that I was accepted to attend this retreat. You know I had to do my church step!

So because of the weather, I’m having a slight flare-up and although my fingers are stinging with every stroke I type, I’m sitting here bouncing to some August Alsina and Big Sean while I meditate and pen this latest post about God’s goodness. I can’t let a little bit of pain stop me from declaring how putting my faith over my fear and doubt has manifested in a victorious testimony….and I’m just getting started. Praise God!  I have started writing my memoirs again and my official release date will be later this year. So this time for real, Memoirs of a Bitter Bitch coming much sooner than I thought. I’m looking forward to soaking up the atmosphere of sweet, sweet T & T this summer to relive the memories of my youth and connect with the energy of my ancestors. Once again, all the time God is Good! Like Big Sean said, I got Blessings on Blessings on Blessings!   And now, back to this herbal pain killer…LOL

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Signs It’s Really Love

 

So, I have had multiple “relationships” in my life and many times, I thought I was in love.  However, ever since committing to my current relationship almost 8 years ago now, I realized I never could have really known love, because I am finally learning to love myself.  I guess I thought I loved myself before but I was still not accepting of my flaws.  For instance, my gut, “Buddhalicious”, and I have a love/hate relationship.  I love feeding it but I hate the way it looks in the aftermath of a cheesecake and chicken wing binge.  I always used to wear oversized shirts and I haven’t tucked my shirts in since 1995!  Basically, I was ashamed of Buddhalicious, but ever since meeting my partner, she encouraged to me to accept all of myself.  The first sign that this was true love was the fact that this woman actually loved the one thing that I abhorred most about myself!  You can’t get any better than someone who accepts and loves your flaws.  Now, I don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks, me and Buddhalicious hang tight…literally like hang over my jeans. I mean I’m still working on my body and getting back into shape, but I have decided to forego the self-effacing thoughts and let it do what it do.  As long as my partner loves it, I’m good.

Common has a lyric in The Light which states, “I ain’t the type to walk around with matching shirts, but if relationship is effort I will match your work”.  I always heard that relationships were work but emotional work is hard to explain, so I guess I had to experience it firsthand to finally comprehend this concept.  The “work”, I find, starts with the willingness to commit to finding common ground with your partner.  I had never committed to a person before because I don’t think I was emotionally available. I had no desire to navigate someone else’s baggage because I was still figuring out mine.  I finally realized that everyone has their own shit with them, including myself.  The only way that I would get past the fear of committing to some shit that I might regret, was to just do it.  The fact that we were both willing to seriously commit to learning each other and building trust, was us “matching each other’s work”, like Common said.

Trust and communication are the other major signs that the love is real.  Constant communication is what builds trust.  I can honestly say that my partner is the first person I have been completely honest with, even when I have had to expose my ugliest deeds.  Each time I did it, it was painful but I felt a little more confident in the concept of unconditional love.  I mean, if my partner could still love me after I fucked up the money for bills, or after me lapsing into long periods of depression, she must truly love me for the long haul.  I know a few years ago, had the situation been reversed, I would have dropped her like a hot potato!  Real talk, I had no concept of unconditional love, if you did not serve any purpose for me you had to bounce.  I grew up with conditional love, so I didn’t even practice real love on myself.  I remember dating a young lady that had a good job and kept herself on point at all times.  Everything was going great, until she called me to come pick her up because she had just gotten fired.  I was all pleasant when I went to get her and take her home, but in my mind I was like, “Welp, on to the next one!”  Instead of being sympathetic, all I heard was “I don’t have any money so you’re going to be paying for everything.”  Wani don’t play dat!  They say it ain’t tricking if you got it, and I ain’t have it.

These days, I fully trust that God has blessed me with a wonderful partner who willingly loves me unconditionally.  I remember sometime around year 4, the words just dropped into my spirit one day, “Now this is really love.”  I had stopped trying to figure everything out about my partner and focused on healing my own emotions.  I stopped waiting for the next exciting event to come around and just accepted that most of life is comprised of regular shit.  That was one of the first things that my partner told me when she moved in, “You know most days in relationships are just regular, right?”.  I had never really looked at life that way but once she said it, it made sense.  Now that I am content with myself, I relish both the mundane days and the play dates.  I am blessed to have someone that I both like and love to share this journey called life with and I am so grateful to God that He has shown me what Really Love is indeed.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you all! Until next time Be Blessed!

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