So, back in June of 2010, after a series of health setbacks, an accumulation of stress from hating my job and the overall effects of various poor choices I prayed for the opportunity to get a “do-over”. I asked God for a particular sign that it was OK for me to leave my great job and re-create myself into the person that I always knew He meant for me to become. So, I was sitting at home watching Joyce Meyer and she began to speak about how many people were sitting at home dreading going to the job that they hate, and how God doesn’t want you to live miserably, simply existing and living a mediocre life. She said that God desired for you live an enjoyable life and by stepping out on faith you could achieve this…an enjoyable life, doing whatever your passion and purpose is. So, of course I thought, “Thank You God!” that is my sign but I did not see a way out financially because one of my struggles is money management. AKA, living straight check-to-check, sometimes even check-to-check and overdraft protection. LOL Anyway, I came to work that next day and the company announced an early retirement package, with a $50K bonus! Whoot, whoot! Shit that was like hitting the lottery to me. I told you money and I had an on again off again relationship. I was all excited because that was the sign that I secretly wanted in my heart from God. I had heard a rumor but I did not even know that I would qualify or if it was even going to happen. Anyway, in my mind I thought that was going to be the fresh start that I needed to become an “entrepreneur”. I had all kinds of plans to get a food truck, sell baked goods and music at flea markets, start an entertainment company, all great sounding ideas but in the end proved fruitless. As the saying goes, if you want to make God laugh, make your own plans. I’m sure He was quite amused with my bullshit.
The two good things that I put in place after leaving my job were to apply for disability, because my health seemed to be rapidly declining, and to apply for my Veterans Benefits to finish my degree and change my career. My mother urged me to apply for disability just in case, while I had my highest earning power, so at least if I could not work again, I would be taken care of. Despite my pride, I am so glad that I listened to her because these things turned out to be quite helpful. Which leads me to today, and the top 3 things that I’ve learned about myself in the past 5 years of transformation.
- I thought I was a Boss. Nope, turns out I need direction and accountability.
It is really difficult to stay motivated when you’re home alone everyday with food, cable and an Ipad. I am an extrovert by nature so I really underestimated the company of my coworkers everyday, although I hated the job. I also figured out, the last time I exercised discipline regularly was in Basic Training…back in 84! #rebelwithnocause
- I have the mind of a warrior but the body of a senior.
Man, I am so sick of being on the “injured reserve” list this year! As I stated, I have a few health challenges going on, some of which can be alleviated by regular exercise. I was diagnosed with Sjogren’s disease, which is basically like rheumatoid arthritis, and it is a chronic and unpredictable syndrome. Now, my mind refuses to believe that I can’t really push my body like I want to because in my mind, I’m still a soldier. LOL However, my body quickly reminds me that I’m doing way too much and need to take several seats somewhere. I was all excited because Venus Williams came out and told her Sjogren’s story and she was playing Wimbledon. I was like, OK, what the hell am I doing with my life? I can at least get in some weight training and cardio. So I enlisted the aid of @Grow Or Die Athletics, and was making some progress until my mind and body disagreed on some dance steps and I tore my meniscus. So I am back on the injured reserve list for now until my knee surgery next month. After all my damn surgeries in the past few years, I swear I’m going to be bionic. The reason I say I have the body of a senior is because all of my ailments are things old people get. Shit like cataracts, glaucoma and arthritis in my 20’s, WTH? (My buddy gave me a hilarious nickname, which I had to use; the shit was too funny…Arthur Glaucabetes.) I mean the only thing I can say about this is, it served to teach me to have empathy for those in chronic pain we can’t see on the outside.
- It’s OK to let my walls down now, the Bitter Bitch has left the building.
I have been saying for years that I am going to write my book, “Memoirs of a Bitter Bitch”, but I wanted to wait until some of that bitterness had subsided. I started this process about 7 years ago and it became too painful so I stopped. Now, I have come to grips with the fact that I am more emotional and sensitive than I like to admit and my vulnerability is not a weakness. I spent so much time trying to mask my emotions that I failed to see the damage they were causing by being pent up inside me. I’m sure this Buddha Belly I have going on here is housing at least 20 lbs. of anger that I need to channel into my book!
So with these observations, I am continuing to find my voice and beginning the cathartic process of sharing my experiences in the hopes of inspiring and entertaining others.
Look out for more Bitter B Memoirs soon. Up next…Fresh Music Fridays!