Sleeping With the Enemy: Having Haters in your inner circle.

So, I was trying to start this shit off lightly, but circumstances in life always crop up to remind me that I need to stay prayed up because negative forces lurk around every corner, especially in the places you become comfortable like home.  The back story to this goes like this…

I have procrastinated for years about writing and posting on a public blog out of fear of offending others, especially those close to me, because they are all part of my story.  So I finally got up the courage to begin the process, fighting back the urges to really go in on one of my favorite subjects, at the risk of being too transparent, and I simply ended my post with a nod to the herbal holiday.  Now anyone that knows me personally, knows that I am my own experiment in the medicinal benefits of the good herb.  Anyhow, I went to bed that night feeling excited and motivated that I finally was moving in the direction of my passion.  I woke up early, thinking about other subject matter and researching artists that I want to interview, just really focused on my to do list, you know?  Totally immersed in my agenda and not sticking to my scheduled early morning prayer, meditation and affirmation time.  So, that already was a set up..

My partner and I were riding merrily along on her way to work and she turns to me and asks, real sweetly, “So, why did you post the line about 420?  You know people are going to judge you based upon that and it will hurt you when you start looking for a job right?”.  Mannn, I went from 0 to 100 in 1 second flat!  That one little line right there eroded all of the confidence I had worked to build up the previous day.  That little line took me back to a place of self-doubt and shame for all of my perceived flaws and idiosyncrasies that make me the uniquely free-spirited person that I am.  I spent hours on Monday talking myself into and out of expressing myself publicly, letting down my guard a bit and exercising my gift.  I even confessed to my mentor my thoughts of changing the wording of my writings to be more “marketable” or “politically correct”.  For real, in person I don’t mince words and I’m not really concerned with political correctness because I try to treat others respectfully, which usually covers all that.  But, those  negative voices in my head started telling me to tone it down, shrink back, don’t make waves.  My mentor, (shout out to RK3 Consulting) told me that my focus right now is just to get into the habit of writing daily, don’t worry about who my audience is.  Whoever they are meant to be, they will get it.  I had settled into that mindset and was feeling slightly accomplished, LOL, just to have the proverbial wind let out of my sails.

Anyhow, this little incident ended up being a blessing in disguise and an opportunity to grow even further in my faith and in my transparency in my relationship.  The first thing I was reminded of was that my main focus daily should be to pray for protection from the “fiery darts” mentioned in the Bible, otherwise known as negative thoughts and emotions.  The second thing was it motivated me to review the positive affirmations and promises listed in the Bible, so I can know what I am entitled to spiritually and not believe the doubters both inside and outside of my head.  The third thing was not to censor my emotions to protect anyone’s feelings, even my partner’s.  I normally would have held in my anger and hurt and let “the blunt cry”, but instead I honestly expressed myself and it was well received.  Finally, I was reminded that we are all in a spiritual war that wages on whether we choose to acknowledge it or not.  The battles come out of nowhere but we have to be armed with knowledge of who we are spiritually to fight effectively.

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